WELCOME. This socialist government is a master of bureaucracy, but even they excelled with the creation of the Financial Services Absurdity. We have very nice offices on the most expensive real estate in London and we really like what we do.

We were created to protect the interests of the British consumer but, sadly, we've let human nature do what it does so well and we've built an empire. It was so easy! All we did was sit on people. Funny thing, though: it was the fear of being sat on that did it. They totally quit. Amazing. Its a classic case of quis custodiet ipsos custodes - who guards the guards? But what else were we supposed to do? Someone scribbled that on the bog wall the other day. No one knew what it meant. We do now!

Now people are wondering if it was all worth it. After all, we've been daft and let people work here from companies closely implicated in the, ah, hem, 'F' word. No, not that! That's not in our Rule Book. Not yet. No, f.r.a.u.d. Ssshhhh! Perhaps if we all whisper no one will notice... MPs never ask the right questions. Idiots. But then, they didn't ask smarmy Bill what brand of cigar he preferred at the Labour Party bash, did they?

Of course, we do try and keep busy, but we've lost our way. Well, to be truthful, we were not shown the way in the first place; we just made it up as we went along, really. Hmmm..... Where was I? Oh, yes! Our purpose. To form an orderly queue for something..... the toilet? No, we've been there once today. Knighthoods?.. That could be it. But since that cash for peerages thingy broke out its all gone quiet on that front. Now, if we can just fine our members a lot more money we can give ourselves a pay rise. Yes! [Best read in Frankie Howard style...!]