Government Intervention
When government interferes with business, things always go horribly wrong. Anyone of average intelligence can fathom the reasons why:
These range from, 'Well, we get paid the same for a good job as for a balls-up' to, 'Those rich buggers deserve to pay for my pension, The Bastards!'
Colloquially speaking, we exhibit massive symptoms of what has come to be known as the British Disease.
Any doubters of this should look at the fiasco of the Austin Allegro's square (yes, SQUARE) steering wheel! Voted the 'worst British car ever' in a 2008 Sun poll, this prime example of the insidious effect of government interference in business stands as bleak testimony to the commercial naivety of the civil servant type. But, that has never stopped us rolling our sleeves up and trying to fix what ain't broke.
So, to make our little mark on the economy of this once sceptered isle, we were looking to do something even more disastrous than a square steering wheel. A tiller, perhaps? No, that really would be a cock-up too far. A definite non-starter, if you'll excuse the pun.
No, we've come up with the idea of abolishing the basis on which the financial services industry has flourished and served the British public so successfully for over 200 years. We've banned commission. But banning it wasn't enough. To make our point we destroyed any last trace of it. Except for ourselves, that is.
You see, only we should be able to enjoy the privilidge of commission income. That is why we've decreed that our income should be based, not on the number of advisers a firm has registered with us, but on how much business they do. Shhhhh....... Don't tell anyone. This is our dirty little secret. Now we're the ones getting commission on YOUR MONEY and we're already planning how to spend it!
Only government could tell a lie this big and have so many of you suckers fall for it. Let's see now, that's fees to your adviser, plus VAT at 20% and our commission of, let's see, another 10% perhaps? Wow! Now that's what we call a nice little earner.
Genius. Sheer bloody genius.
We've Bet The Farm
We bet the farm on the Retail Distribution Review. Not our farm, silly. YOUR FARM. Everything. We've bet the whole sodding lot, the whole of the British financial planning industry on our mad scheme to replace commission with fees.
Of course, if it doesn't work, we won't really give a toss because we won't be here - we'll have all moved on to the next cushy regulatory number. You see, we've never really understood business and, to be frank, we don't really want to.
We believe that the world would be better off without it. We couldn't sleep at night with all that profit and loss malarky. Our beliefs are, ahem, just a little more towards the workers' paradise style of doing things. You know, like we've built here with your hard-earned lolly. That's right you're paying for all this Europe inspired crap.
And there you were trusting us to educate the public! What a laugh. Sorry, but the only thing being taught here is the wine list of the most expensive restaurants we can find.
Marxism 101
Lord (of what, may we ask?) Turner believes that by restricting the number of advisers the cost of advice will come down!
Hello? (Think Back to the Future)
Is that what he really believes?
Yes!
No wonder our policies are crap!
We've allowed ourselves to be infiltrated by Marxists!
Well, to be honest, we welcomed them in as part of our strategy to increase state dependency. And the Retail Distribution Review is important for the success of our mission.
To make that happen we must limit the availability of financial advice. The simplest way to achieve that is to restrict distribution and make it unaffordable. RDR does that 'at a stroke'.
Can you see the plan now? Isn't it BEAUTIFUL?
Success for us means gathering power to the centre and limiting freedom. So, the freedom of choice that you have always enjoyed as to how you remunerate your adviser just had to go. .
Just another beautiful day in the Canary Towers office really.
Qualification Quagmire
The reason for the RDR, supposedly, was the failings we insisted we detected in the advice given by advisers. But, as we consistently fail to divulge our own levels of qualifications how can the public have any confidence in our findings?
Neither can the Treasury Select Committee. But for some mysterious reason the TSC didn't even think to ask us if we were qualified. Well, why would they? Isn't it reasonable to assume that those regulating others are at least as qualified as those they regulate? Well, er,.... yes.
Of course, we the unqualified are forcing advisers to requalify. And to be honest, we don't care if they only qualified a year ago, they have to do it all over again. Sod 'em! When we, well dear Saint Hector, told them to, 'Be afraid, be very afraid.' He wasn't kidding! We like to terrorise those we regulate - we see it as an important part of our role.
But we're just that little bit different to the people we regulate and very, very special and somehow able to do the job without any training, qualifications or experience. After all, we're being paid as if highly trained and qualified.
Clever, eh?
And woe betide anyone who dares to ask us what our qualifications are. If anyone discovers just how unqualified we are the whole thesis of RDR would become untenable. So we cannot let that happen.
And until now you lot had fallen for our bullshit. Hook, line and bloody sinker!
Truth Commission
Truth be told, we LOVE commission. We love it so much that we decided to change the way advisers pay our fees (tax) to a commission basis.
Instead of the old boring way in which advisers paid a levy (tax to you) based on the number of advisers they let loose on you lot, we've now proposed that they pay a levy (sorry, tax) on the amount of business that they write.
The King was in his counting house, counting out his money. But it's only a matter of time before you lot start shouting, 'The King isn't wearing any clothes!'
Whoopee! And you thought commission was dead.
Not at Canary Towers it ain't. No, no, no. Here at Canary Towers we like to get paid by the simplest and best system and that's commission.
Disculpe, ¿le gustaría a su habitación amueblada o sin amueblar?
Trail Commission
Now with all the fuss caused by banks collapsing all around us (we read about all that in the newspaper a while back) you would've thought that we'd like something that engendered stability and forward participation into the relationship between client and adviser.
But that is why we're banning trail commission.
Trail commission is paid from within the normal charges of an investment. So clients get access to comprehensive initial advice as well as ongoing advice and service for the same price as if they'd bought an investment direct! And without the VATman sticking his ugly mug into the picture.
You see, it's just too good. It just had to go.
Trail commission means that all the nasty stories we told you about salesmen (and ladies!) being commission-hungry and eagerly looking for the next poor mug to mug was simply not true. And, if there's anything a bureaucrat hates, it's being caught in a lie.
The fact that trail commission gives stability to your adviser's business and spreads the cost of advice and charges over a period and means that more of your money is invested doesn't matter to us. What we needed to see was something that was much more complicated and less predictable That way you would NEED us.
So, by banning trail commission we ensure that those nasty advisers live up to our fairy stories and are forced to do business with everyone they meet or starve.
At a stroke we introduced the same instability into the personal financial advice sector as we hear has been dogging our friends in the banking sector.
Now there's progress, Boyo!
The Dodgy Dossier
To get some street cred for our plans, we looked for a survey or experiment or anything that would prove that you lot really didn't trust your financial advisers and everything could be fixed by banning commission, which has always been our objective.
We found just what we needed in Australia.
In a survey of only 300 consumers in the Antipodes we hit pay dirt. But undeterred by Australia's current unwinding of the plans implemented on the back of this dodgy piece of research we are charging full steam ahead with the Retail Distribution Review which is modelled on it.
The trouble is, it wasn't a review at all. It was our plan all along.
We've been told that RDR will cause massive consumer detriment but we don't care.
After all, if we abandoned RDR now it would damage our reputation and we simply won't allow that.
You're Fired!
If you don't have very much money, you will be getting a letter from your adviser explaining that she can no longer afford to keep you on as a client. Unless you can pay a disproportionately high retainer you'll be cast adrift.
That's right. Because of our interference in how financial advice is delivered in the UK she will be forced to let you go. But where will you go? This RDR pantomime will affect every adviser in the country and if your current firm cannot afford to keep you, who can?
We didn't think of that!
But in reality it's all part of our plan: We're actually staking out a claim for our chums in the banks. Once the howls of derision against IFAs for letting down their less well off and most vunerable clients has reached a crescendo we will ask the banks to step in and fill the gap.
After all, if the independent mob deserts the field our chums deserve to take the spoils.
Confusion Central
Would you Adam and Eve it? As we hold the Sword of Damocles over the head of every financial adviser in Britain we haven't even had the courtesy to let them know of the changes we're proposing.
After banging on about how important it is for firms to embrace (yuk!) our Treating Customers Fairly doctrine, we've simply not bothered to tell those businesses affected by the changes or of what lay ahead.
Not a word. Not a letter. Not a phone call. Not even an email. Nothing!
It's like failing to serve an eviction notice on a family and expecting them to learn of the impending disaster in the Public Notices section in the local rag.
The contempt with which we treat people is difficult to comprehend. It's on a scale that should never be seen in any democracy. Never.
And to cap it all, we're still working out the details of something that will, if we get our way, be implemented in the early days of 2013. That's only months away in practical terms.
We still haven't formalised the post RDR arrangements for the payment of trail commission (which we despise) and we're expecting investment houses and life assurance companies to run two competing systems in parallel.
And the complete berk we've employed to advise us on this is hopelessly out of his depth claiming he's 'not an IT man'. Then he shouldn't have been given the bloody job!
You really couldn't write this stuff, could you?
But we don't really give a toss about all this. Our salaries will still be paid. You, the consumer will pay for the cock-up in every way (you always do) and we'll just move on to the next regulation gig..
Lovely jubbly!
Tax Tax Tax!
To understand what is going on here at Canary Towers you must remember that we were formed under a socialist government. Indeed, our erstwhile Communications Director was Tom Kelly who worked for Tony Blair from 2001 to 2007.
So, bearing all that in mind - the Dodgy Dossier paraded around Downing Street on the basis of which the country went to war, Gordon Brown spouting, King Canute fashion, 'No more boom and bust' is it any wonder that we've been able to get away (until now) with RDR.
You see, we've been making our reasoning for RDR up so that the Treasury can get more tax!
VAT will be charged on financial advice (we're in the process of making sure of that) but commission is VAT free.
It's so simple, we're surprised nobody thought of this before.
Follow the money.
Want to understand the motive for anything? FOLLOW THE MONEY.
Bollocks to Parliament
We've managed to keep the Treasury Select Committee at bay. For now.
We rejected their findings out of hand. Just like that! In fact, we told them to piss off, we're busy.
It was as if we couldn't even be bothered to read their comments. No sooner did they issue their findings amid widespread and grave concerns about RDR than we rejected them. After all, how could reducing the number of advisers by 40% and forcing those that remain to charge every client a fee, possibly increase the availability of independent financial advice?
All this just at the time the country's savings ratio is at rock bottom.
But how could that have anything to do with us?
You see, we're here to protect the public and that's what we told them. We even sent Saint Hector along to make apologetic noises. Anything to get those bloody politicians out of our hair so that we can get on with the job.
Those MPs just don't understand what we're here for. They get all agitated about the predicted failings of RDR and the impact on their constituents whilst we're here preparing for our next job in strangulation. Sorry, regulation.
It's all so bloody annoying!
The Star Chamber
We will decide who gets to keep their livelihood after RDR. Nobody else. It will be up to us. You see, by centralising power we have made ourselves VERY powerful. We like that!
Of course, we will go through the motions of sounding sympathetic to those caught up in the bureaucratic cross-fire but, like any monolithic organisation, we will find it impossible to respond individually.
Well, to be honest, we won't even be listening. Just like we didn't listen to the MPs. We have form in this business. Bad, grubby form.
Hopefully, the consumer will come to depend on us (rather than use their own intellect) and come to regard us as being pretty much indispensible. Dependency culture always proves valuable on Election Day and is to be encouraged. We've got the red flags ready and waiting.
Bureaucracy is the best thing for the economy right now. Well, it's keeping us going.
How about you?
The Human Cost
In keeping with any organisation that knows the cost of everything (except our lavish Christmas parties) and the value of nothing, the human toll in this matter has been completely overlooked.
Like generals ordering a missile strike against a distant country we have no idea of the impact our ideas will have on ordinary people, let alone the economy.
After all, by getting rid of individuals who have run successful businesses for decades, we will only be pruning the tree a little, clearing out the dross and, above all, causing you lot to pay more tax.
And because some of these businesses are a long way away in places we've never heard of, we really don't understand how or why they should exist in the first place. Nobody outside the Home Counties has any money, anyway.
IFAs who have built quality businesses and looked after their clients without reproach will be forced into bankruptcy and their clients left without the advice they've ALREADY PAID FOR. Our meddling in their business will make certain of it.
It does not matter if they're ill, bereaved, caring for elderly relatives or whatever the situation: If they are not ready and willing to comply with OUR way of running THEIR business we will sthut them down. For good. Well, not their good of course, or yours. No, no, no. This is all about our good.
The taxes these individuals paid to government to protect them (one of the very few legitimate functions of government) and the hundreds of thousands of pounds in regulatory fees we've collected from each and every one of them for a decade (for which we did bugger all) will now be used to destroy their businesses. Now that's what we call Treating Customers Fairly.
We don't really care if the buggers top themselves. As long as they're no longer able to advise clients how to save tax it's a good day for us and our reputation.
But did you really think this had anything to do with being fair? Did you? Did you really?
How gullible can you be!
You gave the power to control business to us even though WE DON'T UNDERSTAND BUSINESS and are more interested in filling in our expense reports than spotting two banking crises.
Fool you once, shame on us.
Fool you twice, shame on you.
Guidance Notes
No. 1. Every socialist government ends in financial disaster.
No. 2. Every socialist policy damages the people it claims to protect.
No. 3. Socialists tell us what they are doing by accusing us of doing it.
No. 4. Socialists are socialists first, before anything else.
No. 5. To learn the motive of any policymaker, FOLLOW THE MONEY.
Once these principles are grasped, a true understanding of what socialists have planned for you, your loved ones and your money can be fully appreciated.
