What is Treating Customers Fairly?
A real pain in the bum!
But seriously, TCF or Treating Customers Fairly is something that nobody really understands, least of all us.
After all, it's what all truly successful businesses do anyway - the goal of any business is repeat business with satisfied customers.
That way, the acquisition cost of each transaction plummets and if a business is very successful in this respect, the word will surely spread, causing the world to beat a path to their door, making the business even more profitable.
But profitability for business was not our ambition in this little ambit. No, our goal was to generate activity for ourselves. Give us all something to do.
You see, Treating Customers Fairly would, in any other place, boil down to 'Treating others as we would wish to be treated'
So simple. So profound.
But that wasn't good enough for us. We had to codify everything and totally confuse everyone in the process. Why, we even accused businesses that had never received a single complaint in decades of successful and profitable trading of not Treating Customers Fairly.
The bloody cheek of it!
As we don't really understand business and specialise in employing people who just can't hack it in the commercial world we don't equate success with Treating Customers Fairly. Surely the opposite must be true? Only ruthless people do well, don't they?
You see, in our book, the more successful a company is the more detriment it must be causing the conshoomer - that mythical beast about which we write with such dullness.
Even if a customer is happy, he's probably been treated unfairly without even knowing it.
So we set advisers the task of trying to discover if people who were perfectly satisfied with their arrangements were in fact secretly totally dissatisfied. If they were suicidal with post partem depression at having invested their money in market turmoil of our making, so much the better!
In doing so we caused massive disruption to their businesses and really gave their customers something to complain about!
Ah, the sweet smell of success!
Why we don't Treat Our Customers Fairly?
We don't have to.
We're not answerable to Parliament or anyone except ourselves.
You lot voted for that. Remember? .
See how we Treat Others - IT'S TRULY DISGUSTING!
Some of you may not quite believe what's written here. After all, we rarely let the mask slip. But check out the Name Dispute section of www.fsa.co.uk to see what we do to people who stand in our way (even if they're not actually standing in our way at all - we only have to think there's something wrong with them.
We use OUR POWER and YOUR MONEY to crush people.
You see, we're just like the thugs you dread meeting in the street (or the office bully boy in your business). Just look at us the wrong way and we'll duff you up good and proper. But we'll do it in secret and blame you for everything because that's what bullies do. Only we're really good at it.
You see, we really don't care about Joe Public or anyone. We really only care about ourselves. Why else do you think we measure our pay in muliples of Prime Minister's salaries?
FOLLOW THE MONEY.
Now Abandoned
Treating Customers Fairly, our Second Glorious Five Year Plan, has now been abandoned as it conflicts with our Third Glorious Five Year Plan - the Retail Distribution Review.
Since we're telling advisers to ditch their less profitable clients, even we can see the conflict that will arise.
The poor and others who lack access to affordable independent financial advice will be left poor and without access to good independent financial advice.
But we don't see any conflict with our mandate to protect the public.
Do you?
Shar'ia - Now that's what we call Treating (Women) Customers Fairly!
We've given our approval to Shar'ia compliant funds, mortgages and other products. We didn't see any conflict between our decision and our duty to protect the public. After all, sexual violence against women has nothing to do with money, right?
As this is a family show we won't dwell on the problems with Shar'ia Law, but suffice it say it is not at all pleasant, especially in how it treats pre-teenage girls.
But what does that matter to us?.
What matters to us is political correctness and being progressive. We wanted to fit in with Tony's Downing Street mob.
But what we really don't understand is why our women are so militant about Womens' Rights.
Perhaps it's something to do with their having to live with socialist men?
Duh!
Guidance Notes
No. 1. Every socialist government ends in financial disaster.
No. 2. Every socialist policy damages the people it claims to protect.
No. 3. Socialists tell us what they are doing by accusing us of doing it.
No. 4. Socialists are socialists first, before anything else.
No. 5. To learn the motive of any policymaker, FOLLOW THE MONEY.
Once these principles are grasped, a true understanding of what socialists have planned for you, your loved ones and your money can be fully appreciated.
